Well...whatdoyouknow??

Amazingly the past year of my life has been...SHEW!! Busy, chaotic, aggressive, calming..you name it! But over the past year I have learned some valuable life lessons. I don't want to ever forget them so here they are...

In the midst of chaos, you can have peace.

Seemingly normal people will do anything to feel more important including abandoning their family and call it God for justification.

Never confuse boldness with rudeness OR vice versa!

Until my children are grown up and moved out I will have mismatched ornaments and kid friendly Christmas decorations.

Don't EVER leave your car lights on (not even for a minute)

Change is inevitable...GO WITH IT.

No matter where you go...there you are! Running never solves a thing.

Even folks with the best intentions can twist scripture to make it line up with what their flesh believes.

People LIE.

Some things you dread can turn out to be so easy (like potty training a 2 year old boy) when you make the decision to refuse to apply pressure.

What's in your heart will for sure come out when the pressure is on.

It is neccessary to be content with where you are before you can really go anywhere else.

I have the best pastor ever and an awesome church family.

Never, ever assume that you know what someone's home life is like.

Although 24 hours in a day is never enough, 24 hours in a day is plenty.

Girl time is a MUST.

I have the best book club members!

Dunkin Donuts has YUMMY hot chocolate.

I have a GREAT husband that loves me.

Praise and Worship isn't about who is on stage. It's what I make of it.

TV is overrated.

Mickey Mouse Club House must have subliminal messages because my son is addicated (HOT DOG)

I know lots more about football than I give myself credit for.

It's ok for friends to grow apart and go separate ways. It happens.

I am NEVER gonna be satisfied with my hair :)

When I am open to give, I am open to receive (GULP!)

Kristen Miller ROCKS! Heather Seyer ROCKS! Michelle Rodgers ROCKS and I love the new bonds being created.

Pinterest should have a 12 step program. Hello! My name is Michelle and I am a Pinterestaholic (Check out itsthesmallthings blog...it's awesome! I found it via Pinterest)

I am called to minister to women. Just typing that makes my tummy flip flop. I think that is God prompting me to believe it!!

When something doesn't feel right...listen! It's probably God ;)

The biggest thing I have learned so far?? God speaks to me loud and clear. I will never, ever misread the signs from him. He is my rock. My provider. He has called me to his kingdom and takes me as I am. I will be bold. I will be honest (with myself and others). I will yield to the annoiting and just BE!!

The End!

Call a tow truck!!

Funny story...my two kiddo's had an incident a couple of days ago. My son asked my daughter to start his car one cold morning. Now my daughter is only 14 and has only driven maybe twice. Both times she was driving my AUTOMATIC car. Well, his car is a straight drive. He gave her instructions but she said to him, "I don't know how" his response, "Yes, you do"...needless to say that turned out with a car stuck in the mud in the neighbors yard and my clothes line on the ground. Well, a tow truck came and pulled the car out and all is well but today I was thinking that I would take some pictures of the tire tracks and the fallen clothes line just so we could look back some day and laugh when all of sudden it hit me. This is exactly what happens when we expect someone to do something they are not capeable of.

Don't we do that with people all the time? We expect them to fulfill our lives, create our happiness, complete us and when they don't...CRASH goes our world. There is only one person that can fulfill our lives, create our happiness and complete us and that person is God. What a great remembrance. I knew this but it was a sweet reminder this morning.

It goes along with something else that I have learned over the past couple of months. I have felt so invisible for such a long time. It seemed like I would show up to events and remain unseen. Now, I don't know if that is true or not. That could simply be a vain imagination. Either way, I have to remember that if NOONE else in this world ever chooses to sit beside me, if NOONE else ever chooses to invite me to lunch or a dinner party, if NOONE else ever SEES me in my happy times or my times of need GOD SEES ME. Think about Haggar a minute. She was going along minding her own business working for Abraham and Sarah. Sarah asked something of her and she did it then Sarah turned on her. Because Sarah was so mean to her Haggar fled to the desert(side note: Haggar's name means "Flight", interesting huh?) anyway, while out in that desert you know Haggar must have felt invisible. Invisible to everyone around her-especially to God. But then an angel appeared. Another side note: God didn't wait for Haggar to come to him...he met her where she was in her desert. Everyone knows the story. After the angel appeared to her and gave her instruction, Haggar gave God the name "El Roi" the God who sees!! He sees US. He sees YOU and ME. He sees that we are scared. He sees that we need comfort. He sees when we are happy and when we celebrate. He sees everything and CARES about US. That is such an amazing thing.

So, remember...don't expect things from people that they aren't equipped to do. Expect everything from God knowing he SEES you. If you expect things from people they can't provide, we might have to call a tow truck! :)

Honoring my time

Since I missed day #2 I decided that I should really honor my time. Time is precious and once it's gone you can't get it back. I love to spend my time doing things I love like spending time with my kiddo's and Jason. I LOVE girl time with the best girls ever. MOVIES are another one of my favorite past times. In order to honor time so I can do my favorite things I will make them a priority. Things that really don't matter so much will not seek precedence. TV, Dishes, Laundry...you guys can wait :)

31 days

Like everyone else in the cyberworld, I am going to do a 31 days of...
But unlike everyone else it's not gonna be Thankfulness! I am gonna choose 31 days of HONOR!

For 31 days I will find things that I will choose to HONOR and decide how I will HONOR them.

Day 1:
GOD!

I will honor God with my words and my actions.

Sometimes, we get so caught up in the world and what is going on around us that we forget to do a self check about what is coming out of our mouth and what our hands and feet are doing! I will honor God by choosing words of life, by lending a helping hand, by offering a compassionate ear. When someone needs it I will have a strong, non-judgmental shoulder to cry on. My feet will take those difficult steps needed to mend a fence if I have offended someone. My heart will be wide open to forgiveness of myself and of others! Today, I will HONOR God.

I've got my memories. They're always inside of me, but I can't go back
Back to how it was. I believe it now, I've come too far!
I can't go back. Back to how it was!
I was created for a place I've never known.

This is home! Now I'm finally where I belong. I've been searching for a place of my own. Now I've found it.

Enough said...

Blogging is good for the soul...

Blogging is good for the soul. I posted that on Facebook a couple of days ago but I don’t think I realized how true that is. As I type this, I am hoping that my soul can shake some of the grief and sadness I have been feeling for the past couple of months. I knew something was up with me but couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I wasn’t myself.

I felt heavy.

I felt out of sorts. I felt out of place. Shaken up. Weighed down.

D.E.P.R.E.S.S.E.D.

I couldn’t figure it out…

Along comes praise and worship…isn’t it funny how God talks to you at just the right time??

There have been so many changes happen in my life! Some of them subtle and some of them M.A.J.O.R. but changes none the less and with most changes I can embrace them! Adapt and Overcome!

But these changes that have happened lately were of a different kind. These were people changes. That’s weird to say but that’s what they were.

Steady people are hard to find but I found some. When I say steady, I mean steady. You could count on them to be where you knew they would be. I LOVE these people. I had relationships with these people. When I would need advice about things I would ask these people and there were lots of them. Then one day these people were G.O.N.E.

Back to praise and worship…
I was praising and thanking God for my life and family. Not openly and shouting and raising the roof, just quiet to myself cause I really wanted to sing. We were singing a song that I really like but I just needed to thank him. Normally, my talks with God do not consist of a begging for things or asking for things its normally a thank you session for the things I have but this time I really needed this burden/this heaviness lifted off of me. I know the scripture “Come to me all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). I needed REST.
One question: God, WHAT IS UP WITH ME? One answer: YOU NEED TO GRIEVE.
Grieve? For what? That’s when it came…

If anyone has ever had to break the news to a child about divorce this will be easily understood. I realized also last night that anyone that says this to a child is a liar (maybe not on purpose but this is not a true statement). Here it goes:
“Mommy and Daddy are getting divorced. Things will not be different. We will just live in different houses”
That is so not true. Things will be different. Things will be VERY different.

This is where I was. I had gone through several “Mini-divorces”. I had people saying, “It’s not going to be different. We will still be here, just in a different place”….bologna! Things are different. Our interaction is different. Our relationship is different. My confidence in stability is different and it hurts my heart. It hurts my soul. Going certain places is a constant reminder that you aren’t here! And you know what? I am angry.

BUT, just like children that love their parents, I love my steady people (insert smiley face here). I still love them with my whole heart and always will. I will grieve; I will move on, my heart will heal.
I already feel a little lighter today. My heart feels a little happier.
I have done a couple of things to jump start the process:
1. I have asked God to heal my heart. (Rip off the band-aid and start over)
2. I have let these people go to be the people that God intended them to be. He is my stability.
3. I have made a commitment to myself to continue in a relationship with my steady people because DUH…they help keep me steady and are certainly in my heart forever!
4. I am SO THANKFUL for the people in my life. ALL OF THEM. The one’s close up and the one’s a little further away!
Thank God for praise and worship!! Thank God for his stability!! Thank God for thankfulness!!

Somedays you just gotta laugh!

So I don’t normally blog about my dreams but my good friend actually inspired me to do this. I know that I want to start a dream journal but me and writing with a pen doesn’t really make me all gooey on the inside so I think I will start here!

Here we go:
I was in our café at church and there were two people that appeared to be speaking (the man was dominating the room and the woman just kind of in the background). One of my friends was standing and watching our Pastor with a look in her eyes like “I was supposed to be speaking tonight”. We were all just sitting around and chatting. Well, our Pastor finally looked at my friend and said, “Is he here?” and she said YES so Pastor interrupted the man and my friend took the floor. She said, “If you want to see God look at the ceiling tiles”. Everyone started doing this but me. I laughed on the inside and said to myself, “that is the silliest thing I have ever heard”…God in the ceiling tiles? Really? Then out of nowhere this force started pushing me out of my chair. I fought it too. With all my might I fought it but eventually it won and there I lay on the floor LAUGHING uncontrollably. No one was looking at me or paying me any attention but there I lay on the floor laughing. That’s when God said, “If you would just do things the way I say the first time it would be easy”

Life lesson? YES…

God puts people in our lives to direct us. Sometimes the things or the people that God puts in your path may seem illogical or silly at times (like God being in the ceiling tiles) but they are there for a reason and being obedient is important. That doesn’t mean that you do or say EVERYTHING someone tells you too. By all means, use your own wisdom and the Holy Spirit will guide you but you might be surprised where God shows up!

I was so unique now I feel skin deep. I count on the make-up to cover it all. Crying myself to sleep because I cannot keep their attention. I thought I could be strong but it's killing me!

Does someone hear my cry? I'm dying for new life

I want to be beautiful, make you stand in awe! Look inside my heart and be amazed.
I want to hear you say who I am is quite enough. Just want to be worthy of love and beautiful.

Sometimes I wish I was someone other than me, fighting to make the mirror happy
trying to find whatever is missing won't you help me back to glory

You make me beautiful! You make me stand in awe! You step inside my heart, and I am amazed. I love to hear You say who I am is quite enough
You make me worthy of love and beautiful.

The words above are from a song by Bethany Dillon called Beautiful. I remember the first time I heard that song and how much is resonated with my heart and how it was my heart cry. I wanted to be beautiful not only in God’s eyes but in man’s eyes as well...inside and out. That was about 5 years ago I think. I am proud to say that man’s eyes are not so important to me anymore but God’s on the other hand IS…I have learned that God only sees the beautiful in me and accepts and loves me just the way I am. I am worthy of so much more than I could imagine. Actually, I am worthy of all things I can imagine…WHAT AN INSTANT REVELATION!! Moving on…

Lately I am finding myself surrounded by teenage girls with NO SELF-WORTH and it saddens my heart. They are reaching out to boys to fill their God shaped hole in their heart. I know that this has been something that has been a world wide dilemma for years but lately it has been on my back door-step and my heart aches because of it. Just a few examples: I have a friend with a daughter that is 15 and pregnant (I bet she doesn’t get her own show on MTV). Her younger sister is having sex with a much older boy. Another friend has a 15 year old daughter that has been photographed performing sexual acts. The list could go on and on I am sure if people were real about what their kids were doing. How do we convince these little girls to respect themselves and see how much they mean to God? How precious they are? How worthy they are?

If only we could have gotten them when they were babies and SHOWN them how to love themselves, shown them what true love is. Only if daddies would step up and be the daddy’s they are suppose to be.

I am not one that harps on the wolves at the door but Mom’s…there are wolves at our doors that want to strip our precious daughters of their worth. BEWARE. Teach your daughters that God has crowned them with dignity and worth. Teach them that boys are predators (l love boys. I have two boys of my own but they have/will have hormones that rage). If they don’t have a daddy that will “date” them…YOU do it. Teach them that REAL men open doors. REAL men don’t honk and wait for you to come out. REAL men ask for dates face to face not via text messages. Teach them that not only will they fall in love 50 times they will also fall out of love 50 times before it’s the real thing. Teach them that TRUE LOVE REALLY DOES WAIT.

Teach them that they are beautiful on the inside. Teach them that when God sees them he smiles at who they are, who they have been and who they will become. Teach them that God sees their heart and knows their desires. GOD WILL FULFILL THOSE DESIRES EVERYTIME. God is love and God loves our little girls.

Try closing your eyes...

If you have ever really talked to me about kids you would know that I have always said "My kids aren't sleeping in my bed"! Guess what? I have a kid in my bed every night. My sleep is interupted every single night around 2am. He climbs in and tosses and turns until aroud 3 then Jason and I sleep with knees and elbows shoved in various areas until around 6. GRUMPY is what I had become. So, to save some lives and my sanity I decided it was time to do something. 2 months of this is all I could stand so Friday night the girls were gone and Jason was off on Saturday so the adventure began. When I heard the pitter patter of the feet I got up and took Jase back to bed. I explained to him that his bed was his bed and that is where he slept. Kissed him, covered him and left him to ponder. Within seconds...wwwwwaaaahhhhhh!!! He has found himself in an unpleasant situation with nothing to do but cry out. When the crying didn't work he started MMMMOOOOOMMMMMMYYYY!!! When that failed he tried another tactic that was sure to work DDDDAAAADDDDDDYYYYY!!! but only had another failed attempt. In his desperation to escape from the situation he found himself in he started calling out to anything that might help him, MIIIICCCKKKEEEYYY, WWWWOOOOODDDDYYYY but to no avail. I was laying in the living room and thought to myself. Poor guy, all he has to do is close his eyes. The answer to his problem is the easiest thing.

During all that I lay on the couch and ponder what to do next and God said to me "My children do that too" They find themselves in situations they find unfavorable and call out to all sorts of things when the answer is so easy. They just have to cry out to Jesus.

The next time you find yourself in an unfavorable situation and don't know what to do; instead of calling a friend, going shopping, hitting the fridge...try calling out to Jesus! It's that easy and your answer could be as easy as closing your eyes!

New Ramblings...

How do you know when you have grown up? This question has boggled my mind for a couple of months now. Friends would ask with each passing birthday if I feel older and of course I would say no…age is just a number!

However, in my quiet moments, I would look at my life and think to myself, “When am I going to grow up?” What does it even mean to be a grown up really? Paying bills? Going to bed early? Being responsible? First of all, I know a 15 year old that pays his own cell phone bill and he isn’t “grown up”. I know a 2 year old that turns in at 9pm and nope, not a grown up and I know a lot of responsible teenagers but they are just that…teenagers IN HIGHSCHOOL. So, that leads me back to my original question…What does it mean to be grown up and when am I going to get there?

Last night, I had this dream…
I was sitting in a chair and making a list. The list looked like this…
What grown ups do:
1. Wash their make-up before bed
2. Make their bed before they leave for work
3. Always wear pajama’s to bed (never a t-shirt and shorts)
4. Always has a means to buy a loaf of bread or milk
5. Grills a lot
6. Lays on the couch and watches TV before bed
7. Gets to work 15 minutes early
8. Doesn’t like to get head wet in the pool
9. Never talks about finances out loud

As I was looking at this, from over my shoulder came this voice and in almost disbelief this voice said…”Michelle, that is your MOM”. You know what? It totally is my mom. These are all the things my 36 year old mom did when I was 15/16 years old.

My whole life, I have been drawn to wearing pajamas. I have felt convicted that I have NEVER washed my make up off before bed and felt less than responsible when my kiddo’s don’t have bread for a sandwich and had no idea why. Now I do…

Michelle vs. Her mom!
It is so funny the revelation we get when we aren’t even looking.

I am grown up. I am the perfect grown up. My definition of grown up is playing on the water slide with my kids. My grown up is using hamburger buns for a sandwich cause my memory stinks these days. My grown up is washing my make up off and using this cool new wrinkle cream…not because my mother use to but because it is smart and keeps my skin young and the whole pajama thing….I am gonna buy me some new ones just because I wanna be grown up!

Let's give them something to blog about...

So, last night we had our book club meeting at Perk up and it was great. I can’t say that I got anything really eye opening. We had some girl time with girl talk and revelations from the last couple of weeks. We left with our reading assignment, next meeting time and instructions to bring a discussion question next week. I came home and washed my face and started talking to God. I really wanted him to show me something to blog about. I mean we just had this book club and I should have something meaningful and insightful right? I wanted something clever. A couple of things came to mind but never really went anywhere OR it was something that someone else had done.

That one statement leads me down a.n.o.t.h.e.r. road completely.

I didn’t feel that what I had to say in my blog was good enough. I don’t have a cute blog like (insert name here) I don’t have as many followers as (insert name here). (Insert name here) always comments on (insert name here)’s blog but never on mine. I found myself in this comparison battle A.G.A.I.N.

When I compare myself with others I am ultimately telling myself that I am lacking something. The comparison can be a big as a house or as small as a blog the result is the same. The result is the lie that Adam and Eve believed in the garden; that they were lacking something and look at the mess that caused!

I am made in God’s image. God is complete, whole and perfect. I am complete, whole and perfect. I am just what God has intended me to be! I am not intended to be a carbon copy of anyone else. We all live in different houses. We all drive different cars. We all have different blogs (I had to throw that in there since this is where it started).

Proverbs 23:7
"As a man thinks in is heart, so is he"

I will end with that final quote. What do I think I am in my heart? Do I think that I am good enough? Do I think that my words can influence anyone? If my words are just words on a paper and ramblings of someone trying to find their way and influence no one, am I still good enough? YES! I am perfect just the way I am. When I have it all together and when I don’t. When I am financially stable or when I am financially struggling. When I am feeling accepted or when I am feeling rejected. I am enough. God made me and he don’t make no junk!

Like a book

My heart has been opened...like a book.
That's kinda funny because it took a book to inspire me to search my heart for truth. The truths about myself and the things I believe about myself and people and mostly about God.
What I found makes me ecstatic, scared, very disappointed and longing to know more.
I know that God loves me but I am not "in love" with Jesus, not the way other people seem to be. Warning: This takes me into the downward spiral of comparing my relationship with God to everyone else's. This I know so I have to be careful.
I have found that I shut people out. I am not talking about emotional shut outs. I guess it could be I just haven't went there in my heart yet. I just mean in the simple things like suggestions for my life. EX: I have people that I LOVE to be around. I WANT to fit in with. I long to get their advice, their wisdom. BUT, there are people that I don't really know. When those people come to me to "talk" or offer wisdom or advice I shut them out. I didn't do this on purpose. But, I did it. I have missed out on some awesome people. I know I have.
I have been redeemed. Oh, how I have been redeemed. When I learned what that means the freedom that I felt. I was going to share the definition but I think it will mean more if you look it up. Look up Redeemed in the Greek! AWESOME!!
I have passion. I have such passion. Sometimes it is misguided passion but passion none the least. I thought it was gone. I have passion for the underdog everytime. I have passion for the mistreated. I am learning how to express that passion I have without offending others and that is a BIG STEP but one that I am willing to take.
While typing this I got a call from a friend. A friend, who like me, is after a heart like Jesus. She had a word for me and it was this...Matthew 7:7-8...“Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks, receives. Everyone who seeks, finds. And to everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. She knows I have been asking and seeking. The word was keep asking and seeking..you will get what you are asking for!
I can't wait to see what the next few pages of this book hold. Day by Day God is turning the pages of my heart and i am loving what I find.

Well...We.Are.Married

The day was perfectly imperfect. It rained. My dress was ruined by my shoes. The pastor made a blooper during the ceremony. Jase was all over the place. Chris had hat hair. We forgot that Jase wasn't there and we had already taken half of our family pictures. BUT all in all I wouldn't have changed one thing.

A big thanks to Kristen Miller for the amazing cake.

Brittanyann Photography (Brittany Willis and Jacob Olson) for picture perfect photography.

John and Debbie Pennebaker for the delicious food and punch (not to mention the B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L set up).

Dawn of the Day (Dawn Frazier, wedding planner)for bringing it and keeping it all together.

All of those that helped out before, during and after the ceremony...
Jessica and Jared Fletcher, Donna and all the Senz, Taylor and Jennifer Harms, Kim Barnes, Sherrie Bilyeu(the ferns were really pretty), Larry and Cathy Rodgers for being an awesome Nana and Pa and taking care of Jase, My family for the great time we had on Friday night (STRESS FREE)!

This was absolutely one of the best days of my life.

Carrying the luggage!

Most people that know me or have known me for a little bit knows that I have a good friend named Jana. I LOVE HER! I ADMIRE HER. I AM CERTAIN THAT AT ONE TIME OR ANOTHER I ENVIED HER! Reason why? She was always learning more and more about the love of God for her and how that opened up her heart. She was learning that she has all she needs inside her. The deed is done and we lack nothing. I looked at her and really saw a "Princess". She started teaching classes at our church. She taught at AGLOW. She taught at one of our retreats. She had a bible study in her home. I used to tell her "Jana, when you get famous and travel spreading all that you have learned I will carry you luggage to the planes." We would laugh and say ok and we would go on.

Well, today a friend emailed me and was telling me that she was advertising in a local wedding magazine for her business. I offered to help and then said to her, "Girl, when you get famous I will be your right hand man. I will carry your luggage to the plane and everything". Of course, she sent a LOL and said of course then God took over.

God said to me, "Michelle, why are always the right hand man or the luggage carrier. Why don't you dream big enough to be the one needing your luggage carried to the plane? You are worth being in the spotlight and being number one. Come out of the shadows"

I guess I never even imagined myself being "famous" or having a talent that would take me anywhere. If you don't imagine it (have the vision) you sure are never going anywhere but right where you are. The bible says in Habakkuk 2:2 "And the LORD answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it." I never had a vision and I certainly never made it plain because I felt I never deserved it but I do. There are several scriptures that reveal that to me! Then there is this scripture:
It is Psalm 37:4 "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart." but the desire has to be in your heart. Without desire in your heart what is he gonna give you?

I have come to the conclusion that I have to:
1. Know that I am good enough, smart enough and worth being #1.
2. Write the vision and make it plain.
3. Delight myself in the Lord

and one day someone will be carrying MY LUGGAGE

The Baseball Game called Life...

Funny thing! After about 8 years of walking with God I realized that I rely more on man to give to me wisdom that I do on God. I was finding that I was bummed when the latest and greatest “ministers” or “prophets” came and they had no words for me. I mean I was so upset. I would sit on the edge of my seat and wait with sweating palms but NOTHING…it was always for the “in” people as I saw it. But then, one day outta nowhere God said, “Michelle, if you want words of wisdom or knowledge just ask me! I will tell you”…well, duh!!

So for the last couple of weeks God and I have had amazing conversations. He has told me how much he loves me. He has told me how much I mean to him and how important I am. Isn’t he awesome??? That leads me here…

I had a dream a couple of nights ago. When I woke up I thought to myself, “Jason watches too much baseball because now I am dreaming about it.” Then about an hour later God nudged me…Michelle, that dream means something and this is what it means and he told me.

The dream:
A group of us (no idea who the us was just people) were at a ball game. We were all sitting around on the bleachers and hanging out. Some people had baseball gloves on their hands and they were ready. For what? I don’t know. Maybe to catch a fly ball but I wasn’t concerned. I was just enjoying the game. Do you remember in school when you would prop your elbow on the bleacher behind you and kinda snuggle you butt between the two bleachers? Well, that is how I was sitting. Really relaxed and enjoying this game. All around me people were so ready for anything. They were on their feet, they were squatted down it catch mode, I mean READY but there I was…LAID BACK! I also noticed that balls were coming at people. They were catching them with no problems but some of the balls were hitting the gloves really hard making a smacking sound. You could hear a grunt or two but nothing that really bothered me. Then, here comes a ball right at me. Oh I was a little scared. I braced myself and was ready for the hit. Then it hit me…like a feather! I looked down and the ball was not a baseball after all. It was a whiffle ball. It had no impact at all. Just a little “ploop” right in my lap! I kinda chuckled and waited for the next one. I was still waiting when I woke up.

Now even though God had already told me he was gonna tell me what it meant my first reaction was to go ask Jacob or call Heather but God quickly said, “No”. So I was obedient and I waited. Then out of nowhere it came! What the dream meant…and here it is…

Everyone I know or don’t know for that matter is gonna have life come at them. Some people are already expecting it and expect the worst. This is what the people with the gloves were doing. They knew that the pop flys would come and they were ready for the sting of the catch. Some people know that life is gonna happen and just stand there and wait with no protection or anything. The people catching the pop flys bare handed. Then there are the people that know life is coming but they sit back, enjoy life, not really concerned with what’s coming but when it comes they brace for it and then laugh when it’s a whiffle ball. These are GOD’S people. The one’s that trust God can handle life, even if it is coming at you at 100 miles an hour and will leave a pump knot the size of Texas. He is that good and that is where I am right now.

I know that life will have hurdles. I know that things will happen beyond my control but when they do I am going to sit back rested and relaxed with my butt snuggled between two bleachers and enjoy the game!

My Wedding Day:

This post is and isn’t about my wedding day. I was sitting and talking to Jason yesterday when I got home from church. We were talking about Martha Schmidt. She is this WONDERFUL woman full of wisdom that I adore. I should follow her around with a notebook to write down advice all day long.

Anyway, I got to thinking about my church family and where I would be if they didn’t exist. One word: LOST! They not only exist but they love and accept with their whole heart. They are there when you need them and do beyond what is expected. So many people have offered to help with my wedding and have opened up their lives to me without my having to ask. I wanna take a minute to just thank a few people and try to explain what they mean to me! I don’t think this happens enough!

Pastor Ron: I remember a couple of years ago you said something to me! You might not remember but I do. You said, “Michelle, don’t go low life.” Guess what? I DID. I went low life. I did all the things that you told me not to do and boy did I pay the consequences for that but you know what? When I came to my senses there you were. With open arms and ready to welcome back to the higher ground that I was called to walk on. For that I do not have enough words to express my gratitude.

Beth: I love you. You are such a role model for me. When I think about the two people I would most wanna be like when “I grow up” I think of my mom and you. Thank you for your poise and your honesty!

Rachel, Kristen and Amanda Allen (yes, I put Allen on purpose): You guys are living proof that the preacher’s kids don’t have to rebel against authority! You guys were raised by some good people and it shows!

Wayne and Audrey: When I think about you guys, I see the marriage and relationship that Jason and I strive for. You guys make it seem so easy and I love that you are open to tell us how to get there (even the embarrassing parts). You don’t hide your failures which is something that most don’t share. It shows your heart is real.

The Senz: How did I even get to know you guys? I think probably by accident but it seems like we are family. I LOVE IT. Donna, you girls are amazing and so are you. It is almost like you are transparent with your life.

Dawn Frazier: Wow!! Where did our friendship come from? It started with a wedding huh? Keep that smile on your face girl. I know that life seems so unfair sometimes and it feels like you are NEVER gonna find that prince but he is out there! Make him pursue you the way you deserve.  Your heart is precious…treat it that way!

Jessica Norris Fletcher: You never let me go there! You know that place that I dislike so much; where I wanna complain about people or God. I fall off my pedestal and you put me right back up there. My heart appreciates your heart. Your worship is contagious. The best part is that you don't even know you have this affect on me!

Brittany Willis (Olson): I long to know you. That is funny huh? Have you ever seen anyone you just want to be friends with but don’t know why? You are one of those people. Let’s see where this goes! I can’t wait for the Royal Wedding! Do you need a photographer?

Heather Seyer: Connected! That is what we are! When I am confused to no end and feel like craziness is taking over I just look for you on Facebook and you talk me down  I am so glad that we went through “stuff” together at the same time. I am learning more from you than you can imagine!

Jennifer Harms: When I see you I see a caterpillar. Inching along in life so cute and fuzzy having no idea that one day you will become such an amazing butterfly. Don’t fight the chrysalis. It’s part of growth. I happen to think it’s the ugly part but it is the most important. You have to trust that while you are doing that growing no one around you will harm you! Open up to us. I promise we will only love you! I love you already! You are an impeccable photographer! Live your dream!

Kristen Miller: Weird that you get two sections! Once as an Allen and once as a Miller! It seems like yesterday that we would sit in the office and talk about life. That Jeremiah kid drove me nuts; on again, off again lol. Look at you two now. I know that you might not see it but you guys are an inspiration. Don’t ever think that because you guys are young, you are unable to offer great advice on everything. I LOVE IT…Did I mention that you are the best cake maker in the world?

Jacob Olson: Without you my dreams would be lost!

Becky: No matter what happens you are there. Ups and downs happen but we make it through. We have too. I mean seriously…how would we survive otherwise?

Kim Barnes: There was a time I would rather throw a rock at you than talk to you. Don’t take offense girl…you know what I am talking about. The softness that I have seen your heart take on in the past two years is breath-taking. Keep listening to God. You honestly bless me beyond belief. You being at work with me is a life-saver! God has prepared you for such a time as this!

Linda Olson: I am drawn to you and am not sure why but I will figure it out 

I know that I know I am forgetting someone for something so expect me to add to this all the time. I just want you all to know how much I love and appreciate you. Without you guys, I honestly would be lost. I am glad that I am realizing how much I love people. It is good for the heart!

pshhhhh...who needs a wizard?

I have watched the Wizard of Oz at least one hundred times in my 37 years of life if not more. In all these times, I learned that the scarecrow didn't need a brain to be smart, the tin man didn't need a heart to love and lion was full of courage he just didn't know it. What I didn't grab a hold of was the Ruby Red Slippers! Yes, I realized that she had to power to get herself home the entire time but she didn't know it. Silly girl, right?

But this time I was watching it and the very first scene with Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West went like this...

Wicked Witch of the West: Give me back my slippers. I’m the only one that knows how to use them. They are of no use to you. Give them back to me. Give them back.
Glenda: Keep tight in them. Their magic must be very powerful or she wouldn’t want them so badly.


Think about this a minute! The wicked witch KNEW the power of the ruby red slippers. Glenda KNEW the power of the ruby red slippers. Then there was poor ol' Dorothy with all this power and clueless.

Sound familier? Are you walking around wearing a pair of ruby red slippers and have no idea the power they hold?

Look at it another way...the witch KNEW, Glenda KNEW...what if we KNEW?? There is something powerful in knowing something. When you know that you know that you know...NOTHING or NOONE can persuade you. YOU WILL NOT BE MOVED. I know from my past experience that if I hear something once or twice I am gonna forget it eventually but if I know it, even if I forget momentarily, it can be easily remember if need be (kinda like that silly Algebra that had to be taken in highschool)

My challenge to you:

Do you KNOW that God gave his only son to die for you or have you just HEARD it? Do you KNOW that he provides a way when no way seems possible? Do you KNOW that when noone else is there Jesus is? Do you KNOW that God wants to give you the desires of your heart?

Don't spend your entire life on the yellow brick road trying to find your way back to Kansas. You should KNOW the way. Don't count on someone else to tell you. Don't count on remembering something you heard a pastor say one Sunday in a sermon. Get in the word. KNOW it. Once you know something, it's yours! It's yours meaning that it cannot be taken away from you. It belongs to you.

Imagine that for a minute. Knowing that you are the beloved's and the beloved is yours. Again, key word is KNOWING...

Do you know if you are a believer that you possess the power that can take you anywhere in this life? Do you know it enough to believe it? Do you really KNOW it? I don't think I KNOW yet but I think I am well on my way!

The Change

Pardon me if I've been acting strange, I haven't been myself lately. What you see is a person rearranged, someone affected me greatly. And I've got so much to say ever since Jesus looked my way... Mercy Me

What I really wanna know is…

Can you see the difference?

Can you see that my heart is so full of love that it is absolutely about to explode?

Some things I have learned along the journey:

Proverbs 13:24 says, “Those who love their children care enough to discipline them”. ENOUGH SAID. I found out a couple of weeks ago that the Song of Solomon is about God and the church. After learning that I had to go back and take a look again at the way God loves me: AMAZING…Check this out:

Song of Solomon 2:16 says, “My lover is mine and I am his”. Ladies, if you are anything like me you could understand this! Imagine someone going after “YOUR MAN” That is the way God feels about us. His property, we are spoken for, this one is taken, back off…all of those things could be written on our foreheads and heaven help the person that tries to come between us…God would definitely put up his dukes to defend us!

Then there was this:

Matthew 22:37–39
Jesus said to him, 'You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' (This was the easy part but then I read this) This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.'

Pppssssthhhh (this is that noise all the kids make with their mouths)! Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind…I GOT THIS! This is easy right? Just love God. How can you not love God? I mean he is super awesome right?

BUT then along comes this part, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself”! I was stuck…really? Have you met my neighbors? I know what this verse means. It doesn’t mean the person that resides on your left or on your right. It means EVERYONE. EVERYONE is your neighbor. You know I actually said to God out loud,” You know? I could do this when I didn’t love myself very much. The verse says love your neighbor AS YOURSELF and I was pretty mean to MYSELF so I could be mean to my neighbor…lol." That didn’t work. He didn't respond with a LOL. He didn’t find that humorous! Not one bit. God and I really had to talk about this…

This is how it went:

Michelle: What about that girl at work that absolutely REAKS of cigarette smoke every morning. She always wants to hug me. I have to love her?
God: Yes Michelle, I gave you the power to hold your breath just long enough to hug her!

Michelle: Even that one guy that I KNOW without a doubt was trying to get me in trouble with the HR lady at work?
God: Yes Michelle, didn’t that work out in your favor? That wasn’t a coincidence. I work all things out for your good.

Michelle: But what about?
God: EVERYONE. Everyone deserves to feel my love and its time for that love to come through YOU.

So here I go…thinking I am going to spend lots of time holding my breathe and biting my tongue! I am off on my journey to loving the unlovable (in my world) but what I have come to find is that God in me is LOVE and it is easy to love people. It is fun to love people. It’s not nearly as hard as I thought and I am finding that more and more people love ME.

Happy Birthday Christopher!

April 7, 1991
7lbs 11ozs
Christopher Mark Saucier

I thought I would absolutely DIE the night I had you. I was 17 years old and clueless to what I was doing. But I will never, ever forget how I felt the first time I held you. Scared to death and totally in love!

Your dad and I were sitting in the drive thru at Burger King when I had my first contraction. The look on my face told him EVERYTHING. He panicked of course and had no idea what to do. He almost drove away without our food. It was hilarious.

ONE contraction and we went to the hospital. They actually laughed at us when we got there 

Home we went to eat our cold Burger King cheeseburgers!

Guess what? BACK LABOR is a horrible, horrible thing to endure but I endured it…for a LONG time. 12 hours to be exact.

After three trips to the hospital and being sent back home they finally kept me. You should let your Grandma Carolyn tell you the story:
She worked in the emergency room when you were born. Third shift in the ER was either super busy or super slow and this night it was super slow. In 1991, when you went to the ER for anything the first thing you did was get in a wheel chair and when you left you left there in a wheel chair. It was hospital policy. She said that each time she looked up there I would go..up to labor and delivery and I would wave..then on the way back out I would wave again…lol All night long I did this and all night long she waved!

It is now 18 hours since the back labor started and I am finally being kept at the hospital. The real contractions start and here we go… The doctor that delivered you looked like Magnum PI. Your grandma thought that he was the most handsome man but I just thought he was old and hairy and looking at things that made me uncomfortable however, I welcomed him with all my heart!

I had a love affair with Demerol that night. It was a romance like no other!

Then there you were! Oh Christopher, how I loved you the moment I saw you. All of that other stuff…the lack of an epidural, the 24 hours of labor, the unfortunate lesson I learned about eating cheeseburgers before labor, the IV that I hated with a vengeance… all of that stuff didn’t matter anymore. You were here! You had the bluest eyes and the sweetest face! You also had a cone head but that went away with time!  Your hair was blonde but you didn’t have very much of it. Thinking about that right now gives me such a feeling of joy! What a blessing. I didn’t know much about God back then but he knew me and he knew that you were gonna change my life.

We made it Chris. We grew up together. We learned how to conquer life together. We learned how to compromise and live life TOGETHER. That sounds weird for a mom and son but we did it just the same. When your mom is 17 you kinda have to have some mercy for her AND YOU DID  With all my mistakes you loved without finger pointing and kept a smile on your face even after you got older and new that you didn’t have as much as others.

One of my favorite memories is your second Christmas! All you got from me to open Christmas morning was a coloring book and crayons, 3 Little Golden Books and 4 Matchbox cars all wrapped up separately. You were so excited about those presents. Your 2 year old reaction has been your reaction to every gift (big or small) that I have ever given you. It shows that you have a heart of gratitude.

You love with your whole heart. You have grown into the most amazing man. I am proud to call you my son. You are loving, you are giving, you are consistent, you are stable, you are blessed beyond belief with people that love you. You make your own decisions and take complete responsibility if you mess up. You are aware of life and live it with respect for yourself and others.

You treat me like your friend, you respect like your mom, you get grossed out when I am mistaken for your girlfriend and are honored to be a part of me. For that I love you!

Happy Birthday Christopher!

Love,
Mom

The Joy of Protection

Where do I start...maybe at the beginning! On Sept. 23, 1973 I was born...just kidding! Not that far back...more like about 6 months (maybe not that long but close enough) I was in a place where God was yanking at my heart strings but I couldn't get past MYSELF to answer that call.

Anyway, we had some healing services going on at our church at the time that had some awesome worship and I was drawn there several times!
Once as an observer, no more, no less.
Once just for me, I met God there and forgave myself for all my junk and low and behold started to hear (really hear) the voice of God. I feel the need to clarify that no hands were laid on me or no prayer was said for me that caused this. I was in my chair and on my own (how awesome is God that he met me where I was! He didn't ask me to "expose" myself or make me feel uncomfortable! He was protecting me but I didn't know it then) The third time was the final time I went to those services and also the first time I heard God speak to me in an audible voice. What he said is unimportant but the fact that he spoke and I listened is the important part...that seems like forever ago!

This one sentence sent me on a road that I am gonna try really hard to describe. There was an astounding amount of protection around my heart and my mind! Shortly after this some dissention came about in our church. It saddens me so much because I feel as though some really awesome people have made some really difficult heart choices and changes in their life. Whether I agree with them or not is neither here nor there but in my deepest parts of me I feel they were decieved.

It is so important to understand how easily this could have been me! I was needing something in my life to grab a hold of. Someone that I could look to for comfort. Someone to guide me in the ways of God. I could have so easily chosen a "person" to follow. God showed me HIS way was the way; not the way of man! God protected me! God told me what to look for. He told me what to expect. I kinda laugh on the inside cause he is "just that good"

Let's jump ahead a few months! If you know me, you know I am attending bootcamp, planning a wedding, have 4 children, work 40 hours a week, etc!! Needless to say I am pretty busy! Well, I found that I was isolating myself (something that used to be done as a "defense" mechanism) but not in a bad way. When I say isolating myself I mean that I would respond to text messages, I would talk to anyone that called me or approached me but I found that I wasn't doing much reaching out (well, I was but only to a chosen few)! When I was asked about it my first response surprised me: It's not that I am hiding! I feel like I am in protection mode! The next question sent me straight to God and what I found is GREAT (imagine me doing a happy dance) What are you protecting?

This is where I can get LOUD!! :)

I am protecting my heart! I am protecting my family! I am protecting my friends! I am protecting my future marriage! I am protecting my pastor! I am protecting my image! I am protecting my self-worth! I am protecting MYESELF and all that is dear to me!

No longer will I be swaying to and fro with whatever the world throws at me! I love people but I don't love the things that they say. I don't love the things that they do. Now, I know that I am not perfect but I also know that I have come a long way! I know that when something "just doesn't feel right" that it's God telling me to beware and put up the fence! So many people say that if you build a "Wall" then you will become hard-hearted toward people but that is not the case! I have not built a wall. I have put up a chain link fence!! Just the right amount gets through. It is almost like a strainer! The good stuff I let in...the bad stuff stays out!

I don't desire to be with people that whine and cry about life. I don't desire to be with people that try to advise me on my future marriage that always have turmoil in theirs. I don't desire to seek financial advice from someone that tends to be "broke" or behind all the time. I hope this is making sense?!

My life and the lives that God has trusted me to mold and shape are precious to me. I will protect those lives to the fullest extent that I can. This doesn't mean that I will shut out all of those with so called issues because we all have them. I will just not seek those people out. I hope to one day be a light in their darkness. I hope to be the one to show them the way to Jesus through my example.

No I am not as "out there" as much as I used to be. I am in protection mode. I am in prayer mode. I am waiting on God to guide my next move and sometimes to even guide who that next phone call or text or invite to dinner might be too. I am begging him guide my steps when I feel the need to "vent". Who am I venting too? Someone that will bring me life? I hope so because that is my desire!

God gives me the desires of my heart! I desire to be smart. I desire to be trust-worthy. I desire to be financially stable. I desire to worship the way that God deserves! I desire to be a loving wife. I desire to be keen to my senses as a mom! I desire to come out of my shell at work and inspire people to love Jesus! I desire to protect my family. I desire to protect myself.

I desire to be protected from the world and God is doing just that and it is peaceful. It is content. It is joyous!

Days like today...

Ever had a day when you have nothing to say? No reason to do a status update. Nothing to blog about? No big revelations? No big issues that need resolving? Today is one of those days!

I have mixed emotions about this. Is this what peace feels like?

The biggest issue I can think of right now is the fact that it is 2:56pm and I am counting down the time until 4:30 so I can spend some time with Jason and Jase (the girls aren’t home).

My bills are paid. My kids are healthy. I have great friends. The wedding is planned. I am reasonably healthy and so is Jason. My house is clean. The yard is mowed. Supper is planned. I talked to my mom this morning and everyone is doing well over in the big NC! See what I mean….nothing!

Matthew 11:28-30 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. {29} "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. {30} "For My yoke is easy and My burden is light."

This rest and this peace are amazing. It is kinda weird to me since I have experienced so much chaos in my life. When you truly feel the love and peace of God it is life changing. It is oh wow..really, this is the peace of God life changing.

When you wake up and can look in the mirror and smile at the woman you see and love her. That is love!

When you can look at your past mistakes and say, “yea, those things happened. I did them. They do not define me but boy they sure taught me a lesson”…That is peace!

When the absolute most annoying person that you know; the person that would make you clinch your teeth when they walk in the room. The person that speaks and their voice sounds like nails on a chalk board…you know that person? When you can look them in the eye and tell them you love them and MEAN IT. That is God.

I am learning. I am on a journey. I am at peace. I am love!

To see a true heart...

This beautiful, blue-eyed, whimsical 11 year old girl is Emilee Caroline Elise Matthews. If you don't know her, you are truly missing out on something special.

She has a heart that is full of joy and smiles all the time. Bubbly personality is not even close to describing her.

Beauty is not only skin deep with this little girl. She is everyone's friend and has the sweetest disposition.

I love that she is 11 and is still my little girl. Kids grow up so fast now-a-days, but Emilee still loves cartoons, coloring books, and cuddling with me on the couch.

Emilee loves basketball!

Emilee love Jase Daley Rodgers with her whole entire heart.

Alyssa is her sister and her bestfriend.

Family is what is most important to her! She hates to do anything alone. Her love language is definately quality time and she will shovel rocks for payment of a sticker as long as you are right there with her so she can talk to you. She can't remember to spell CAT sometimes but can memorize the words to any song. She would rather "HELP" do anything than do anything on her own. Some people may see that as laziness, I see that as a longing for togetherness. One day, she will sing on stage to her Jesus! She will be a stay at home mom to an awesome man of God who will support her 100%. She will raise great children that will someday look at her with admiration knowing that she gave them her whole heart.

If you don't know her, you should...she will change your life! She sure has changed mine!

You Don't Own Me...

Lyrics | Disciple lyrics - Dear X (You Don't Own Me) lyrics

God talks to me through songs all the time. I have heard this song several times over the past couple of months. Everytime I hear it my heart tunes in. I really like it. I find myself with the music loud and screaming these lyrics but almost feeling guilty about liking this song so much. I try really hard not to focus on the past. Not to focus on "what use to be"...the past is gone and forgotten right?

But I heard it today...windows down, music loud, voice screaming..."Go ahead put a target on my forehead, you can fire but you've got no bullet. I was yours I'm not yours anymore oh, you don't own me!"

After the song was over I started talking TO MYSELF...Michelle, why in the world do you like that song so much? Are you holding onto some anger, some bitterness, some hate? Let it go already. Jesus lives inside you. You are not suppose to focus on that stuff. I answered myself...I don't think so (yea, they say when you start answering yourself you are in trouble lol) so I said out loud...Let's talk to God about this (duh right?)

God said, "Michelle, you are celebrating the fact that those things don't have a hold on your heart anymore" Wow...what a revelation! Those things DON'T have a hold on my heart. There is no room in there for that stuff. My heart is so full of Jesus there is no room for that junk!

However, I have to very careful that I don't fool myself into thinking I am immune. That is when I get into trouble. Thinking that I am immune to the crisis that life sometimes bring. Thinking that "life" will never come because I am a Jesus girl.

"Life does happen and when it does what we do with it is what matters. Do we become angry? When fear creeps in what happens? Pain, shame what do you do with it?

Just something to think about I guess...

Girlfriends...

Some of you may not know that I am planning a wedding. On May 7, 2011 @ 2pm I will become Mrs. Jason Dale Rodgers. I am so excited about this. I know that God will bless this marriage in every way. This man is my bestfriend and my soul mate! Anyway, this is not about him.

I wanna write a minute about the importance of your "Girlfriends".

“Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us”

I was having a meeting at my house with some of the ladies at my church.

Let's see if I can describe them:

One of them has been my very best friend for years and years!
One of them was hired to be my wedding planner!
One of them I just met and barely even talk to (she brought her two daughters, one of which offered to make the chicken salad we ate for lunch without hesitation, the other is singing at my wedding)!
One of them I talk to on random occassions. She is sweet as pie!
One of them has a son the same age as Jase! I adore her but she had seemed stand offish lately to me (self-talk was telling me crazy things)!

These ladies were here to help me plan my reception and wedding. You know to decorate, set up the food, etc. I had already tried to figure out how in the world I would get all of these things done. I mean really! The wedding is at 2pm. My parents would be here. How was I gonna get ready. I actually had tried to figure out how to do my hair early and wear sweats so I could help get everything set up and stuff. Then maybe change into my dress when I get there. I just needed them to help me get a "plan" together! I never ONCE considered NOT helping.

In the midst of the planning, I mentioned some time constraints and asked could some things be rearranged in order for me to visit with my mom and still be able to help. What everyone said is blurry really but what remains in my memory is this...Michelle, this is your day! You don't set up stuff, you don't help with food. That is what we are for! We will take care of everything. Then I heard the word...SISTERS!

I don't know who said it. I don't know why it was said. I just know I heard it and it changed something in my heart!

Ladies, if you do not have girlfriends. True girlfriends that you can turn too in time of crisis, joy, saddness you are missing out! I encourage you to find some! If you cling to just one, spread your wings. Let some other ladies in. You need them! They need you! There is something about the friendship of lady that is super special. The bond is inseparable. It's almost indescribable.

I think of my daughters and I think of how they will be mean to each other. Call each other names. Take each others stuff but at the end of the day...you better not mess with one of them or you will have to deal with the other!!! That is a sister!!

What these ladies taught me was that inside each woman is a special place! The longing for connections. The longing to help out no matter what or how long they have known you. No matter if they have known you for years or met you 6 months, 6 weeks or 6 days ago.

Thank you Becky, Thank you Dawn, Thank you Donna, Thank you Samantha, Thank you Tamara, Thank you Jessica and Thank you Audrey.

You ladies restored my faith in girlfriends and what that truly means!

So there is this girl...

This girl right here is my oldest daughter Alyssa Lauren. She is 13 years old and such a super sweetheart! She loves with her whole heart!

She is a sister and awesome friend to Emilee! They are inseparable.

She lives to sing and constantly has ear buds in her ears!

She is the bestfriend of Brittni!

She loves school but only the social aspect of it!

She takes a million pictures and 999,999 of them have her tongue sticking out!

She loves life! She loves God and that makes me smile on the inside. God has a great plan for her! She is my oldest daughter and I love her to pieces!

This little guy changed my heart...

His name is Jase Daley Rodgers and he joined our family on July 22, 2009. I wish I had a fairy tale story but I don't. Fact is I was married at the time of his conception and going through a divorce. I cannot explain the confusion, sadness, uncertainty and torment that came with this pregnancy. What was I going to do? How was I going to explain to my then 10 and 12 year old daughters that I was going to have a baby with a man that wasn't their father! I cannot describe the disappointment on their faces. I had clearly betrayed them beyond words and forgiveness was not soon to come. It was clear to me that I would go through this pregnancy with shame and loneliness. Talk about something surely being written on your heart.
At first, I went to all the appointments alone. I heard the heartbeat for the first time alone. I saw the first ultrasound alone. I read the baby books alone and picked out names for this baby, you guessed it alone. Because Jase's dad and I worked together and he was not ready for our relationship to go public, I had to hide my pregnancy for months (more shame). In fact, no grandparents were told until I was almost 5 months pregnant. The first time I met Jason's parents I greeted them with a basketball size belly (more shame). After our parents were told and we finally admitted that I was pregnant and we were in fact, in this "together" things started to change, but not the shame part.
Now, let me be very, very, clear on this...NOONE had shamed me but myself. My self-talk was doing the best job ever. Michelle didn't let up on Michelle for one second of the day. If I was being honest with myself I would admit that I spent most of my pregnancy in a state of depression.
I kept reminding myself that I couldn't carry this shame for long because the guilt and negative feelings I felt could also be felt by my sweet baby in the womb. No matter how hard I tried, somehow the shame would return.
July came and Jase was born. What a wonderful day but at the same time a sad day for me. There was so much that I wanted but didn't fight for. Some of those things being alone time during labor, time for just Jason, Jase and I at the hospital, breast-feeding...I didn't fight for these things only because I didn't feel I deserved them.
After coming home from the hospital, I noticed how protective I was of Jase. I didn't want anyone to hold him. I didn't want many visitors; I wouldn't take him to the church nursery. I wasn't like that with my other children and it took me a while to figure out why!! When I did the changes started...I realized that I didn't want anyone to have the opportunity to put the shame on him for his existence that I was feeling. I had created a vain imagination. No one was really my friend because they had made me feel so much shame (LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL). That vain imagination consisted of me thinking that everyone around me was "talking about me". They were avoiding me, not talking to me (that is another blog for another time). I had created this monster and had to stop it.
This is where my journey began. I had written so much shame and guilt, unworthiness, dirtiness on my heart and didn't even realize it. During this process, Jason and I had moved in together, he proposed, we started planning the wedding and I began sabotaging that at every turn (again, another blog for another time).
However, God had a better plan. God knew that the writing had to be erased for us to ever make it. My heart had to heal. He had to put that healing balm on my heart so I could be whole again. I had to love myself again. I had to know that God loved me even though... (read above for details) God is my healer; he is my provider, my lover, my friend. I call on him in my time of need. When my self talk kicks in I drown it out with a song of praise. I am daily replacing what I think about my past with what God says about it. He says,” Past, what past?" I have tossed all that stuff into the sea on iniquity. It is forgotten.
My life now is not perfect but Jason and I are so in love. I don't doubt that anymore. He really loves me. My girls and I are rebuilding the trust that I destroyed and taking it one day at a time. I encourage them to lose themselves in worship and allow God to heal their heart as well. When I look at Jase Daley, I see the most perfect gift from God. I see the blessing that God gave me to heal my heart. He reminds me everyday that God forgives and his love is unconditional.
Jason and I are getting married on May 7 and when I watch my children walk down to meet Jason during the ceremony so that Wayne can join us "officially" as a family, I will remind God of his promises to me and remind myself that I believe them. Then as I go down the aisle to join them I will thank God for my future and all that it holds!

December wasn't just about Christmas

Dec 2007 changed my life. That was the month that life as I knew it was over. It was time for me to find out what I was really about, what I really believed about God, about myself and about life.

What I found out astonded me. What I found out was that the saying was true, whatever you have inside of you comes out when the pressure is on. Boy oh Boy, the pressure was on and what came out is unbelievable.

Has it all been good? Absolutely not! Some of it shameful, some of it makes me want to shout with joy and other parts I am still discovering.

Welcome to my journey!