Where do I start...maybe at the beginning! On Sept. 23, 1973 I was born...just kidding! Not that far back...more like about 6 months (maybe not that long but close enough) I was in a place where God was yanking at my heart strings but I couldn't get past MYSELF to answer that call.
Anyway, we had some healing services going on at our church at the time that had some awesome worship and I was drawn there several times!
Once as an observer, no more, no less.
Once just for me, I met God there and forgave myself for all my junk and low and behold started to hear (really hear) the voice of God. I feel the need to clarify that no hands were laid on me or no prayer was said for me that caused this. I was in my chair and on my own (how awesome is God that he met me where I was! He didn't ask me to "expose" myself or make me feel uncomfortable! He was protecting me but I didn't know it then) The third time was the final time I went to those services and also the first time I heard God speak to me in an audible voice. What he said is unimportant but the fact that he spoke and I listened is the important part...that seems like forever ago!
This one sentence sent me on a road that I am gonna try really hard to describe. There was an astounding amount of protection around my heart and my mind! Shortly after this some dissention came about in our church. It saddens me so much because I feel as though some really awesome people have made some really difficult heart choices and changes in their life. Whether I agree with them or not is neither here nor there but in my deepest parts of me I feel they were decieved.
It is so important to understand how easily this could have been me! I was needing something in my life to grab a hold of. Someone that I could look to for comfort. Someone to guide me in the ways of God. I could have so easily chosen a "person" to follow. God showed me HIS way was the way; not the way of man! God protected me! God told me what to look for. He told me what to expect. I kinda laugh on the inside cause he is "just that good"
Let's jump ahead a few months! If you know me, you know I am attending bootcamp, planning a wedding, have 4 children, work 40 hours a week, etc!! Needless to say I am pretty busy! Well, I found that I was isolating myself (something that used to be done as a "defense" mechanism) but not in a bad way. When I say isolating myself I mean that I would respond to text messages, I would talk to anyone that called me or approached me but I found that I wasn't doing much reaching out (well, I was but only to a chosen few)! When I was asked about it my first response surprised me: It's not that I am hiding! I feel like I am in protection mode! The next question sent me straight to God and what I found is GREAT (imagine me doing a happy dance) What are you protecting?
This is where I can get LOUD!! :)
I am protecting my heart! I am protecting my family! I am protecting my friends! I am protecting my future marriage! I am protecting my pastor! I am protecting my image! I am protecting my self-worth! I am protecting MYESELF and all that is dear to me!
No longer will I be swaying to and fro with whatever the world throws at me! I love people but I don't love the things that they say. I don't love the things that they do. Now, I know that I am not perfect but I also know that I have come a long way! I know that when something "just doesn't feel right" that it's God telling me to beware and put up the fence! So many people say that if you build a "Wall" then you will become hard-hearted toward people but that is not the case! I have not built a wall. I have put up a chain link fence!! Just the right amount gets through. It is almost like a strainer! The good stuff I let in...the bad stuff stays out!
I don't desire to be with people that whine and cry about life. I don't desire to be with people that try to advise me on my future marriage that always have turmoil in theirs. I don't desire to seek financial advice from someone that tends to be "broke" or behind all the time. I hope this is making sense?!
My life and the lives that God has trusted me to mold and shape are precious to me. I will protect those lives to the fullest extent that I can. This doesn't mean that I will shut out all of those with so called issues because we all have them. I will just not seek those people out. I hope to one day be a light in their darkness. I hope to be the one to show them the way to Jesus through my example.
No I am not as "out there" as much as I used to be. I am in protection mode. I am in prayer mode. I am waiting on God to guide my next move and sometimes to even guide who that next phone call or text or invite to dinner might be too. I am begging him guide my steps when I feel the need to "vent". Who am I venting too? Someone that will bring me life? I hope so because that is my desire!
God gives me the desires of my heart! I desire to be smart. I desire to be trust-worthy. I desire to be financially stable. I desire to worship the way that God deserves! I desire to be a loving wife. I desire to be keen to my senses as a mom! I desire to come out of my shell at work and inspire people to love Jesus! I desire to protect my family. I desire to protect myself.
I desire to be protected from the world and God is doing just that and it is peaceful. It is content. It is joyous!
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