This little guy changed my heart...

His name is Jase Daley Rodgers and he joined our family on July 22, 2009. I wish I had a fairy tale story but I don't. Fact is I was married at the time of his conception and going through a divorce. I cannot explain the confusion, sadness, uncertainty and torment that came with this pregnancy. What was I going to do? How was I going to explain to my then 10 and 12 year old daughters that I was going to have a baby with a man that wasn't their father! I cannot describe the disappointment on their faces. I had clearly betrayed them beyond words and forgiveness was not soon to come. It was clear to me that I would go through this pregnancy with shame and loneliness. Talk about something surely being written on your heart.
At first, I went to all the appointments alone. I heard the heartbeat for the first time alone. I saw the first ultrasound alone. I read the baby books alone and picked out names for this baby, you guessed it alone. Because Jase's dad and I worked together and he was not ready for our relationship to go public, I had to hide my pregnancy for months (more shame). In fact, no grandparents were told until I was almost 5 months pregnant. The first time I met Jason's parents I greeted them with a basketball size belly (more shame). After our parents were told and we finally admitted that I was pregnant and we were in fact, in this "together" things started to change, but not the shame part.
Now, let me be very, very, clear on this...NOONE had shamed me but myself. My self-talk was doing the best job ever. Michelle didn't let up on Michelle for one second of the day. If I was being honest with myself I would admit that I spent most of my pregnancy in a state of depression.
I kept reminding myself that I couldn't carry this shame for long because the guilt and negative feelings I felt could also be felt by my sweet baby in the womb. No matter how hard I tried, somehow the shame would return.
July came and Jase was born. What a wonderful day but at the same time a sad day for me. There was so much that I wanted but didn't fight for. Some of those things being alone time during labor, time for just Jason, Jase and I at the hospital, breast-feeding...I didn't fight for these things only because I didn't feel I deserved them.
After coming home from the hospital, I noticed how protective I was of Jase. I didn't want anyone to hold him. I didn't want many visitors; I wouldn't take him to the church nursery. I wasn't like that with my other children and it took me a while to figure out why!! When I did the changes started...I realized that I didn't want anyone to have the opportunity to put the shame on him for his existence that I was feeling. I had created a vain imagination. No one was really my friend because they had made me feel so much shame (LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL). That vain imagination consisted of me thinking that everyone around me was "talking about me". They were avoiding me, not talking to me (that is another blog for another time). I had created this monster and had to stop it.
This is where my journey began. I had written so much shame and guilt, unworthiness, dirtiness on my heart and didn't even realize it. During this process, Jason and I had moved in together, he proposed, we started planning the wedding and I began sabotaging that at every turn (again, another blog for another time).
However, God had a better plan. God knew that the writing had to be erased for us to ever make it. My heart had to heal. He had to put that healing balm on my heart so I could be whole again. I had to love myself again. I had to know that God loved me even though... (read above for details) God is my healer; he is my provider, my lover, my friend. I call on him in my time of need. When my self talk kicks in I drown it out with a song of praise. I am daily replacing what I think about my past with what God says about it. He says,” Past, what past?" I have tossed all that stuff into the sea on iniquity. It is forgotten.
My life now is not perfect but Jason and I are so in love. I don't doubt that anymore. He really loves me. My girls and I are rebuilding the trust that I destroyed and taking it one day at a time. I encourage them to lose themselves in worship and allow God to heal their heart as well. When I look at Jase Daley, I see the most perfect gift from God. I see the blessing that God gave me to heal my heart. He reminds me everyday that God forgives and his love is unconditional.
Jason and I are getting married on May 7 and when I watch my children walk down to meet Jason during the ceremony so that Wayne can join us "officially" as a family, I will remind God of his promises to me and remind myself that I believe them. Then as I go down the aisle to join them I will thank God for my future and all that it holds!