To see a true heart...

This beautiful, blue-eyed, whimsical 11 year old girl is Emilee Caroline Elise Matthews. If you don't know her, you are truly missing out on something special.

She has a heart that is full of joy and smiles all the time. Bubbly personality is not even close to describing her.

Beauty is not only skin deep with this little girl. She is everyone's friend and has the sweetest disposition.

I love that she is 11 and is still my little girl. Kids grow up so fast now-a-days, but Emilee still loves cartoons, coloring books, and cuddling with me on the couch.

Emilee loves basketball!

Emilee love Jase Daley Rodgers with her whole entire heart.

Alyssa is her sister and her bestfriend.

Family is what is most important to her! She hates to do anything alone. Her love language is definately quality time and she will shovel rocks for payment of a sticker as long as you are right there with her so she can talk to you. She can't remember to spell CAT sometimes but can memorize the words to any song. She would rather "HELP" do anything than do anything on her own. Some people may see that as laziness, I see that as a longing for togetherness. One day, she will sing on stage to her Jesus! She will be a stay at home mom to an awesome man of God who will support her 100%. She will raise great children that will someday look at her with admiration knowing that she gave them her whole heart.

If you don't know her, you should...she will change your life! She sure has changed mine!

You Don't Own Me...

Lyrics | Disciple lyrics - Dear X (You Don't Own Me) lyrics

God talks to me through songs all the time. I have heard this song several times over the past couple of months. Everytime I hear it my heart tunes in. I really like it. I find myself with the music loud and screaming these lyrics but almost feeling guilty about liking this song so much. I try really hard not to focus on the past. Not to focus on "what use to be"...the past is gone and forgotten right?

But I heard it today...windows down, music loud, voice screaming..."Go ahead put a target on my forehead, you can fire but you've got no bullet. I was yours I'm not yours anymore oh, you don't own me!"

After the song was over I started talking TO MYSELF...Michelle, why in the world do you like that song so much? Are you holding onto some anger, some bitterness, some hate? Let it go already. Jesus lives inside you. You are not suppose to focus on that stuff. I answered myself...I don't think so (yea, they say when you start answering yourself you are in trouble lol) so I said out loud...Let's talk to God about this (duh right?)

God said, "Michelle, you are celebrating the fact that those things don't have a hold on your heart anymore" Wow...what a revelation! Those things DON'T have a hold on my heart. There is no room in there for that stuff. My heart is so full of Jesus there is no room for that junk!

However, I have to very careful that I don't fool myself into thinking I am immune. That is when I get into trouble. Thinking that I am immune to the crisis that life sometimes bring. Thinking that "life" will never come because I am a Jesus girl.

"Life does happen and when it does what we do with it is what matters. Do we become angry? When fear creeps in what happens? Pain, shame what do you do with it?

Just something to think about I guess...

Girlfriends...

Some of you may not know that I am planning a wedding. On May 7, 2011 @ 2pm I will become Mrs. Jason Dale Rodgers. I am so excited about this. I know that God will bless this marriage in every way. This man is my bestfriend and my soul mate! Anyway, this is not about him.

I wanna write a minute about the importance of your "Girlfriends".

“Best friends are the siblings God forgot to give us”

I was having a meeting at my house with some of the ladies at my church.

Let's see if I can describe them:

One of them has been my very best friend for years and years!
One of them was hired to be my wedding planner!
One of them I just met and barely even talk to (she brought her two daughters, one of which offered to make the chicken salad we ate for lunch without hesitation, the other is singing at my wedding)!
One of them I talk to on random occassions. She is sweet as pie!
One of them has a son the same age as Jase! I adore her but she had seemed stand offish lately to me (self-talk was telling me crazy things)!

These ladies were here to help me plan my reception and wedding. You know to decorate, set up the food, etc. I had already tried to figure out how in the world I would get all of these things done. I mean really! The wedding is at 2pm. My parents would be here. How was I gonna get ready. I actually had tried to figure out how to do my hair early and wear sweats so I could help get everything set up and stuff. Then maybe change into my dress when I get there. I just needed them to help me get a "plan" together! I never ONCE considered NOT helping.

In the midst of the planning, I mentioned some time constraints and asked could some things be rearranged in order for me to visit with my mom and still be able to help. What everyone said is blurry really but what remains in my memory is this...Michelle, this is your day! You don't set up stuff, you don't help with food. That is what we are for! We will take care of everything. Then I heard the word...SISTERS!

I don't know who said it. I don't know why it was said. I just know I heard it and it changed something in my heart!

Ladies, if you do not have girlfriends. True girlfriends that you can turn too in time of crisis, joy, saddness you are missing out! I encourage you to find some! If you cling to just one, spread your wings. Let some other ladies in. You need them! They need you! There is something about the friendship of lady that is super special. The bond is inseparable. It's almost indescribable.

I think of my daughters and I think of how they will be mean to each other. Call each other names. Take each others stuff but at the end of the day...you better not mess with one of them or you will have to deal with the other!!! That is a sister!!

What these ladies taught me was that inside each woman is a special place! The longing for connections. The longing to help out no matter what or how long they have known you. No matter if they have known you for years or met you 6 months, 6 weeks or 6 days ago.

Thank you Becky, Thank you Dawn, Thank you Donna, Thank you Samantha, Thank you Tamara, Thank you Jessica and Thank you Audrey.

You ladies restored my faith in girlfriends and what that truly means!

So there is this girl...

This girl right here is my oldest daughter Alyssa Lauren. She is 13 years old and such a super sweetheart! She loves with her whole heart!

She is a sister and awesome friend to Emilee! They are inseparable.

She lives to sing and constantly has ear buds in her ears!

She is the bestfriend of Brittni!

She loves school but only the social aspect of it!

She takes a million pictures and 999,999 of them have her tongue sticking out!

She loves life! She loves God and that makes me smile on the inside. God has a great plan for her! She is my oldest daughter and I love her to pieces!

This little guy changed my heart...

His name is Jase Daley Rodgers and he joined our family on July 22, 2009. I wish I had a fairy tale story but I don't. Fact is I was married at the time of his conception and going through a divorce. I cannot explain the confusion, sadness, uncertainty and torment that came with this pregnancy. What was I going to do? How was I going to explain to my then 10 and 12 year old daughters that I was going to have a baby with a man that wasn't their father! I cannot describe the disappointment on their faces. I had clearly betrayed them beyond words and forgiveness was not soon to come. It was clear to me that I would go through this pregnancy with shame and loneliness. Talk about something surely being written on your heart.
At first, I went to all the appointments alone. I heard the heartbeat for the first time alone. I saw the first ultrasound alone. I read the baby books alone and picked out names for this baby, you guessed it alone. Because Jase's dad and I worked together and he was not ready for our relationship to go public, I had to hide my pregnancy for months (more shame). In fact, no grandparents were told until I was almost 5 months pregnant. The first time I met Jason's parents I greeted them with a basketball size belly (more shame). After our parents were told and we finally admitted that I was pregnant and we were in fact, in this "together" things started to change, but not the shame part.
Now, let me be very, very, clear on this...NOONE had shamed me but myself. My self-talk was doing the best job ever. Michelle didn't let up on Michelle for one second of the day. If I was being honest with myself I would admit that I spent most of my pregnancy in a state of depression.
I kept reminding myself that I couldn't carry this shame for long because the guilt and negative feelings I felt could also be felt by my sweet baby in the womb. No matter how hard I tried, somehow the shame would return.
July came and Jase was born. What a wonderful day but at the same time a sad day for me. There was so much that I wanted but didn't fight for. Some of those things being alone time during labor, time for just Jason, Jase and I at the hospital, breast-feeding...I didn't fight for these things only because I didn't feel I deserved them.
After coming home from the hospital, I noticed how protective I was of Jase. I didn't want anyone to hold him. I didn't want many visitors; I wouldn't take him to the church nursery. I wasn't like that with my other children and it took me a while to figure out why!! When I did the changes started...I realized that I didn't want anyone to have the opportunity to put the shame on him for his existence that I was feeling. I had created a vain imagination. No one was really my friend because they had made me feel so much shame (LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL). That vain imagination consisted of me thinking that everyone around me was "talking about me". They were avoiding me, not talking to me (that is another blog for another time). I had created this monster and had to stop it.
This is where my journey began. I had written so much shame and guilt, unworthiness, dirtiness on my heart and didn't even realize it. During this process, Jason and I had moved in together, he proposed, we started planning the wedding and I began sabotaging that at every turn (again, another blog for another time).
However, God had a better plan. God knew that the writing had to be erased for us to ever make it. My heart had to heal. He had to put that healing balm on my heart so I could be whole again. I had to love myself again. I had to know that God loved me even though... (read above for details) God is my healer; he is my provider, my lover, my friend. I call on him in my time of need. When my self talk kicks in I drown it out with a song of praise. I am daily replacing what I think about my past with what God says about it. He says,” Past, what past?" I have tossed all that stuff into the sea on iniquity. It is forgotten.
My life now is not perfect but Jason and I are so in love. I don't doubt that anymore. He really loves me. My girls and I are rebuilding the trust that I destroyed and taking it one day at a time. I encourage them to lose themselves in worship and allow God to heal their heart as well. When I look at Jase Daley, I see the most perfect gift from God. I see the blessing that God gave me to heal my heart. He reminds me everyday that God forgives and his love is unconditional.
Jason and I are getting married on May 7 and when I watch my children walk down to meet Jason during the ceremony so that Wayne can join us "officially" as a family, I will remind God of his promises to me and remind myself that I believe them. Then as I go down the aisle to join them I will thank God for my future and all that it holds!

December wasn't just about Christmas

Dec 2007 changed my life. That was the month that life as I knew it was over. It was time for me to find out what I was really about, what I really believed about God, about myself and about life.

What I found out astonded me. What I found out was that the saying was true, whatever you have inside of you comes out when the pressure is on. Boy oh Boy, the pressure was on and what came out is unbelievable.

Has it all been good? Absolutely not! Some of it shameful, some of it makes me want to shout with joy and other parts I am still discovering.

Welcome to my journey!